It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
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I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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