Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
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I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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