Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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