when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
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You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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