the condom got lost in my hair
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
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Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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