I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
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you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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