you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
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She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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