bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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