So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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