btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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