i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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