All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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