Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize