Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
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Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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