Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize