I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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