Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize