mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
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Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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