I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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