yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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