The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize