Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
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6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize