You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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