How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
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I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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