I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
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I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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