I think I died a long time ago.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize