he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
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Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
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no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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