I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
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I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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