i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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