i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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