Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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