watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
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His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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