i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
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so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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