i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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