If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
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Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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