so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
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Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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