My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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