when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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