dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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