We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
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I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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