I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize