mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
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I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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