i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
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As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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