I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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