This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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