I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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