I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
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Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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