I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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