Your face is a jimmy john
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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