If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I love you. Go after that dick
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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